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The Association for the Betterment of Sex (ABS) presents Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk, a radical and invaluable resource for improving your sexual communication—whether you have been in a committed relationship for years, or have just moments ago removed the shrinkwrap from your new Japanese body pillow.

Here are just a few sensual revelations you’ll find, from our tireless hours of thorough and 100% hygienically sound research:

  • The precise location of the female G-spot(latitude and longitude)

  • “Going on tour with Midnight Oil” and more outmoded masturbation slang

  • Forced perspective and other techniques for visually enhancing the size of your member

  • The Top Five pastry-related euphemisms for female genitalia

  • How to score big at your next swingers’ party, with our crowd-pleasing ambrosia-salad recipe

  • Listings of “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” dry-cleaning services, for freshening up your vinyl fetishwear or adult-sized Tigger costume

  • Your first threesome, and how the ancient Mayans predicted it wouldn’t go over so hot

  • Exhaustively researched and fully illustrated, Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk is a must-read for you, your sexual partner(s), and anyone who wishes there was more to sex than thrashing around for a few seconds and begging for forgiveness.